How to lose money in the stock market?

Instead of writing something positive like how to be a millionaire or how to be a successful investor I prefer to write about how to lose money in the stock market. After all, 99.9% of people are having IQ 150 and above, why write something that they are already good at -- smart and successful in the stock market. This post is not backed by research but by experiences that I heard throughout my life. I hope you can follow these simple tips if you want to lose money, shirt and underwear in the stock market. I will you pay you the difference if you don't lose money base on these tips.

Tip #1. This is my last job, babe. We are going to retire in Bahama tomorrow. Ignore whatever you heard okay, I will be just fine. Just wait for me at the port all right. Mr. Stock market, I am going ALL-IN with the rock solid advice from a few public listed directors info. They told me no one has heard about this tipsy. Market will be stunned with this corporate development announcement. Sure Gap-Up, Yes, 100% of my net worth on ONE stock. RM 500,000 just ONE stock. Warren Buffet is right, diversification is for birds. Simple. One stock. One shot. Hantam kuat kuat!

Tip #2. Be a smart ass. On the contrary of what you heard that retail investors are stupid and ignorant, as education level of general population are increasing, people are doing more research than you ever imagine. Find everything you can and read them - the WSJ, the Star, blogs(including this one), Fortune, Forbes. And don't forget to turn on Bloomberg and catch up with Creamer on CNBC. Read everything. Understanding everything.

Tip #3. Have a STOP-LOSS. Yeah you did that but how come??? It is your 9th times of hitting the stop-loss. Let's do the math. A $ 1,000,000 will reach 387,420.489 when you hit the 9th times of hitting stop-loss. It takes a genius to achieve this level of REVERSE-8-Wonder of the world. No worries, when you reach this level, call me at 1-800-STOP-LOSS. Understanding don't count. Only price. When you are wrong, stop-loss will be there to save you.

Tip #4.  Be a geek, speak only Greek. Don't bet on something is sure, it just too boring. Invest based on this secret formula.

Asset allocation = (Probability of sun will come out tomorrow)*Penny stocks*100% + (Probability of sun will not come tomorrow)*Fixed Deposit*100%

Tip #5. Break down your long term goal into actionable investment goal on T+3 basis. 20% return will translate into 0.083% business day. I am sure you are not that greedy, just buy and sell it for 0.25% gains on T+3. No matter how high is the stock market, all you need is 1.65% gain in 3 days, your gain is 0.25% after minus 1.4% broker and stamp fees. This is an easy peasy strategy. If a  3 year old kid can do it, you cannot do it meh? No balls-ah?. Sure you can-lar. Boleh-lar. Have a po-C-tip attitude.

Like I said, if you don't lose money based the above 5 tips that painfully gain by billions of investors and speculators, I will pay you the difference. Call me at 1-800-sure-lose-money-dot-Com. By the way, Time dot Com worth at least RM 5 based on 20% discount to its SOP on shareholding in Digi and fiber business.

These tips are brought to you by your generous Turtle Investor. Kind of like green-Pow. Selamat Hari Raya.